Defeated mayoral candidate Buck Melton says he won't run for mayor again. "If the voters don't want me, I'll take my marbles and go home," Melton said. "And no matter what anyone says, I still have my marbles."

Melton said one reason he wouldn't run again is that he was tired of seeing his name on signs all over Macon. "I know I'll have to look at those ugly green banners for at least another year or two until they slowly rot in the sun and rain," Melton said.

Pundits predicted that the candidate with the most votes would win the election and they were accurate in this case. "We just got the wrong voters out," Melton said. "I know now that it was a mistake to recruit volunteers from that Atlanta bar next to the Capitol. They were good volunteers and good ol' boys but they weren't allowed to vote in this election. I guess you could say that it was a mistake to pursue support from outside the city limits since their views are----for lack of a better phrase----are incompetent, irrelevant and immaterial with respect to Macon elections."

In a classic reverse-psychology ploy, Macon Telegraph columnist Charles E. Richardson urged Macon citizens to stay home and not vote in his Tuesday column. Contrarians from all over Macon swamped local polling sites. With voter turnout projected at levels not seen since the 1970’s, local election officials were braced for brisk traffic but not for the massive 46% of registered voters. More that four out of ten registered voters actually braved the heat, tornadoes and fierce hurricanes that raked the area, not to mention the effort required to walk uphill barefooted in the snow to get to the polls.

Many were motivated by the Macon Telegraph’s endorsement of Buckner Melton and showed up in force to elect his opponent, C. Jack Ellis, as the Democratic candidate for mayor of Macon. One Ellis aide, who asked not to be named, took credit for the win. "It wasn’t the Telegraph endorsement though that no doubt helped. When we leaked the story that Republicans actually supported Melton, that was the kiss of death for him. Mr. Ellis coasted in from there."

Local news officials are touting Ellis as the city’s first African-American mayor but at least one Macon media personality begs to differ. "Macon residents still have a choice, they still have the option to write in my name for mayor in November," said AM940 radio host Kenny Burgamy. "I still count Jack as a friend so I hope he doesn’t get too upset when I snatch the crown off his head," Burgamy said.

Aware of a loophole left by county commissioners in Seminole County, Florida, Bibb commissioners discussed ways to shut such loopholes in Bibb County.

The Seminole County ordinance made an exception for "theatrical performances" and enterprising strippers at the Club Juana exploited the opening by enacting scenes from Shakespeare's MacBeth along with other dramas----all in the nude of course. Seminole commissioners responded by banning nude theatrical performances.

"We've already banned nudity in conjunction with alcohol. But just to make sure we slam this door shut tight, we better ban wine and cheese at theatres here in Bibb county," said one commissioner who asked not be named. "We sure don't want to have 'King Leer' being performed at Boss Hoggs."

Jack Ellis never mentions Melton's age but instead emphasizes his own energy level. "Macon needs to decide whether it wants a tired old man or the Energizer Bunny," Ellis said.

Melton agrees Ellis is right to bring up the age issue. "It takes a lot of energy to pound the pavement in a car sales lot every day and swindle little old ladies by selling them worn out lemons," Melton said. "Furthermore, Maconites need to decide whether they want to hear that Energizer pounding a drum constantly or whether they want a quiet man who can get things done."

"We agree on so many issues," Ellis said. "Macon needs to elect its first African-American mayor just to know that it really can do it. My experience in business and the Army shows I can get things done and I can do it proud and do it loud. I don't need to talk quietly to get things done. If I were busy all day swindling little old ladies out of their estates and billing them for excessive legal fees like Mr. Melton, I, too, would be quiet about it. But since I'm really trying to help all Maconites, I'm going to be loud."

"He's abolutely right," Melton said. "Maconites have to ask themselves...would they buy a used car from this man?"

"But more importantly," Ellis said, "Maconites should ask themselves, would they swim in a pool with a shark? Voters need to decide on July 20th."

ATLANTA - The state Department of Transportation is considering dropping its rule limiting how high billboards can ascend into Georgia skies. Environmental groups are angry.

"What else is new? These tree-huggers are always getting their panties in a wad," said Deputy DOT Commissioner Steve Sparks. The state currently limits billboard height to 70 feet, although the rule has not been strictly enforced. Sparks said Thursday that removing the limits would allow local governments to set their own restrictions. The state set the height limitation in 1986, but before then it was up to local officials, he said. Any change would just be simply putting it back like it used to be. "And if the signs go over 100 feet, the FAA and other bureaucrats get their underwear in a bunch, too, and they start wanting red flashing beacons and stuff," Sparks said.

But Kryan Fager, chairman of the Sierra Club's Georgia chapter, said removing the limits would set a horrible precedent. "Can you imagine letting local governments set their own standards? Everyone knows that our comrades in central planning are much more competent to handle such matters. Besides, we can't afford to keep all those local officials in our pocket," Fager said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins